I love driving to my dad’s in the winter, along one stretch of road just over the railroad tracks, there are so many birds. In the sky are big, separate flocks of Canada Geese flying in formation, almost looking in silhouette because of the high cold clouds with the sun shining through – remember this. When I was in Jordan I would say that to myself all the time “remember this moment, remember what this looks like, remember how this is making you feel” everything was so new and real, I’ve been saying it to myself more now (than I ever did before living in Jordan) that I’m back home but especially because my dad ‘doesn’t remember’.
My memory is not THAT GREAT, it isn’t that I have a memory problem I just live in the moment. I consider my lack of a strong chronological memory evidence that I don’t dwell on the past, but I do like to remember times with my family when we were all together in New York. My sisters being little, our dog Madchen, my mom and dad being our parents together. It is sad sometimes to know that my dad doesn’t remember that time of his life. He thinks of his children as young ,but doesn’t quite connect himself to me in the present, as my dad. He does answer when I say “hey dad…” he’s been a dad for 58 years, I guess you can’t forget that. It is my worst fear, to forget that I’m married to Mike or to forget that I’m a mom ugh that is terrible. Being a mom has been the best thing I’ve ever done. We had a nice visit, like we always do. He’s typically withdrawn when I get there, sitting in his spot, quietly, listening to music with Shirley tidying and catching me up on their goings on. We eventually start joking around, today I told him about the documentaries I watched last week while Mike was on a short tour. Ed Sullivan, Led Zeppelin, WHAM!, Eddie Murphy – I’d tell him a little bit of what I learned about the people and it usually sparks something in him and leads to a little discussion. Not all of it makes complete sense, or is even true (if you have a loved one with dementia you know what I’m talking about) and a lot of times he is so eloquent – what did he say today… “now, how am I going to word this…” I love when he pulls out phrases like that. He made a couple of jovial digs, laughing when the song “You Talk Too Much” came on. He stood up as I was leaving which was nice, as sometimes I have to encourage him to get up, stretch and give me a proper goodbye. Today, we had a big hug and said goodbye to each other, I told him I would see him in 2 days. When Shirley came into the room with something for him he was distracted with that for a moment and he said to me “oh you’re leaving?” and I said “yeah Dad but I’ll be back on Friday and we can go get a slice of pizza” and he said “pizza sounds good” then he opened his arms up for a hug… so in this case, I was glad that he’d forgotten he’d already hugged me and said goodbye. I hope I see the monks tomorrow. Bye for now!
DiForYou 